found

jim was found. he is at MGH recovering from a fracture, some cuts, and bruises. i visited three times in 24 hours. at first i didn’t trust the nurse, what came out of her mouth showed me she lacked any sort of compassion and shouldn’t be a nurse. i stayed with him until they moved him out of the ER into his own room. dropped off an ipod during my lunch break, and came by after work, after i met with claire to see her thesis exhibit. the doctors say he will be in there for at least another week while they run tests. tomorrow is friday and these days have been jumbled.

lost

i went to my mother’s birthday dinner last night with my sister and her husband. a cab in the parking garage came inches away from hitting me while he was reversing out of a parking space, so i flipped him off. he got distracted and ended up up ramming the taxi into a huge cement pole. he got really made and started to scream and say bitch, and then started to chase us.

i didn’t eat anything at the dinner because i didn’t like anything on the menu and i wasn’t that hungry. jim’s mom called when i was at dinner and i didn’t hear my mobile ring. i thought she was probably looking for him, and i was going to tell her that he was at a raconteurs concert. she told me that he was lost because he had a seizure. i know he is an adult and can handle himself and i tried to reassure her that things will be okay. he is most likely missing his appointment with his social worker today, but its more concerning that he left his belongings at my apartment, including his medicine. i just wrote a note on the door, and near his bag, to hopefully help him out. went home during my lunch break to see if he was there, or if he was able to get in to come by and pick up his medicine. i miss him and just want him to be warm and comfortable because the weather is shitty. i ordered him a phone with internet so he will be able to hopefully have an easier time navigating through the city if he has a seizure.

i have to work on the photo edits for the kids who hired me for the portraits in copley, and talk to ressler management for the editing contract. tomorrow night i am going with claire to the BAC to see her exhibition. if jim comes by i would love to take him so she can meet him.

karma

today i did some scans for this photographer based in LA. i talked to him about camera stuff, and how someday if i get good at photography, and if people see any value in it – i will be able to save up for the digital piece for my hasselblad film camera. well, the CFV digital thing that i want costs $10,000 and i knew i wouldnt ever be able to afford it. he then told me taht he works with hasselblad as one of their top photographers and has a 75% discount. that still costs $2,500 for that thing. i got offered to do more scans and retouching, a total of 25 scans, and he will give me the CFV digital back for my hasselblad. 

i was talking to mark and kathleen about this, since they are my two friends who are also photographers that shoot with hasselblad. they wonder how such a great thing happened, and kathleen told me she that because i’m always looking out for people, and being a good friend, that it is karma.

i had a dream about jim. that he got taken away by the ice cream truck. i was yelling at them to bring him back, and he was hanging out the window trying to tell me something but out of his mouth just was ice cream truck melodies and he couldn’t actually make words. 

confused

every moment i spend with jim i have felt so special. being in his arms is the best feeling. he opened up a lot to me this weekend. it hurt me so much to see him cry, and it made me cry. i care so much and really want to be there so he can get stuff off his chest. i absolutely adore him and every moment i feel so connected. i know he has been through so much, and all i know how to do is hold his hand tight, and let him know i am there to listen. he is so scared of love and open arms, that he ran off so fast and accidently took my keys.

hmmmm

i am cozy, delirious, and have no appetite. its an interesting journey. dennis approves.

i hope i didn’t screw this up

this weekend i hung out with my sister and her dog was here. we went with jim to see the english beat play some free show at earthfest. she thinks jim is great. sunday i went for a ride down to plymouth and had issues with the GPS. i went to jim’s house, finally. i met his mom and his cat. they are nice. jim’s room is dark and filled with so many cds. it was cold but it didnt matter cos he’s warm. he asked if i would consider to be his girlfriend. it threw me off and i said no, even though i really would love to be. i don’t even know if he understands this. i don’t even know why i said no.

i guess because i’ve been hurt by a few guys and i’m a bit scared to put myself in a situation if i can avoid any possible harm. i trust jim so much i don’t know what my problem was. i wish i just told him yes. i can change my answer right? i care about him and love him, a lot. he knows i do, but probably has no idea just how much.

i rode back home and he met me shortly after. somehow the GPS took me onto rt 93 which was one of the scariest moments i’ve had in a while. the ride home was really stressful. jim came over not too long after i got home. he has keys still. because i trust him. nobody else except my sister has keys.

we listened to music. he tells amazing stories, i could hang out with him every day. he’d think i was nuts though. i was so exhausted just from riding around all day, eventually i weaseled my way into his arms. its the best feeling.

i was so tired, i wasn’t sure if i should fall asleep next to him, i am unnecessarily scared of if he has a seizure. i just worry about him and if i don’t do the right thing if he has one. but i thought ‘fuck it,’ i’m just going to fall alseep righ there, i just wanted to make sure he was ok – warm enough, comfortable… it was dark but i could still see him. kept thinking to myself that he has the most amazing eyes.

i think he couldn’t sleep and so he got up for water. i was half asleep and thought i heard him packing up. no that doesn’t make sense, it was nearly 4am. next thing i knew, he was running down the stairs. i was quite horrified i didn’t know if i did something wrong or if he wasn’t okay or if he just really couldn’t sleep. i gathered my thoughts, grabbed my helmet and rode around but of course i couldn’t find him and my eyesight is so bad. i was up all night staring out the window, crying, watching the sun rise, trying to figure out what happened. i took a 2 hour “nap” this morning. can’t eat. can’t sleep. need jim

europe

the guys are almost back from europe. that means EP can get wrenching on my primavera so i will finally have that scooter rolling this year… how long have i said this for?

wow

this weekend i watched lauren’s dog. its not as bad and crazy as it used to be. carrying up the cage is more of a pain than anything. sunday night jim came over. he remembers a lot more of the last month which had details that seemed to be lost. he’s definitely let down the wall he had up. maybe he was just shy, i can’t figure him out. its all good though. he’s a real treasure. i get to hold his hand now and even share a kiss. well, more than that. dennis thought it was funny when i told him jim totally rocked in the bedroom. den has this new guy mel. i’m really happy for him. he is happy that i know jim. i’m still not sure why i sometimes have my guard up. 

remembering.

i hadn’t heard from jim in a few days since i got back from new orleans. i wanted to check to make sure the dog wasn’t annoying for him. i talked to him on AOL messenger at work and a lot of it wasn’t making sense so i ended up just calling him. he didn’t remember watching my dog, the fact that he had keys to my apartment, or even where i lived. i can’t even begin to imagine the frustrations he has to deal with. i picked him up, this time at south station after work. seems like he had a seizure that took a lot away from him in terms of memory. a bit of me thought he may have forgotten who i was. turns out he knows some things and forgets others. doesn’t matter, he is amazing. i very much adore him. hanging out with him is like having a good dream or reading a good book. the seizures seem to put him in a lot of pain. i don’t think anyone should have to be tangled up in this. the system is fucking him over. denying him benefits. makes me really angry that there is a system that fails and still exists. . . . sigh….

sick

i think i caught a cold from the lady who was sitting next to me on the plane. it happens.