this weekend i hung out with my sister and her dog was here. we went with jim to see the english beat play some free show at earthfest. she thinks jim is great. sunday i went for a ride down to plymouth and had issues with the GPS. i went to jim’s house, finally. i met his mom and his cat. they are nice. jim’s room is dark and filled with so many cds. it was cold but it didnt matter cos he’s warm. he asked if i would consider to be his girlfriend. it threw me off and i said no, even though i really would love to be. i don’t even know if he understands this. i don’t even know why i said no.
i guess because i’ve been hurt by a few guys and i’m a bit scared to put myself in a situation if i can avoid any possible harm. i trust jim so much i don’t know what my problem was. i wish i just told him yes. i can change my answer right? i care about him and love him, a lot. he knows i do, but probably has no idea just how much.
i rode back home and he met me shortly after. somehow the GPS took me onto rt 93 which was one of the scariest moments i’ve had in a while. the ride home was really stressful. jim came over not too long after i got home. he has keys still. because i trust him. nobody else except my sister has keys.
we listened to music. he tells amazing stories, i could hang out with him every day. he’d think i was nuts though. i was so exhausted just from riding around all day, eventually i weaseled my way into his arms. its the best feeling.
i was so tired, i wasn’t sure if i should fall asleep next to him, i am unnecessarily scared of if he has a seizure. i just worry about him and if i don’t do the right thing if he has one. but i thought ‘fuck it,’ i’m just going to fall alseep righ there, i just wanted to make sure he was ok – warm enough, comfortable… it was dark but i could still see him. kept thinking to myself that he has the most amazing eyes.
i think he couldn’t sleep and so he got up for water. i was half asleep and thought i heard him packing up. no that doesn’t make sense, it was nearly 4am. next thing i knew, he was running down the stairs. i was quite horrified i didn’t know if i did something wrong or if he wasn’t okay or if he just really couldn’t sleep. i gathered my thoughts, grabbed my helmet and rode around but of course i couldn’t find him and my eyesight is so bad. i was up all night staring out the window, crying, watching the sun rise, trying to figure out what happened. i took a 2 hour “nap” this morning. can’t eat. can’t sleep. need jim
